10 Tips for Creating a Culture of Respect in Your Classroom

When I was just starting out in Oakland Unified, there was this consultant that they paid to come around to the schools and roll out a management system. His system consisted of a fairly straightforward consequence chain liberally sprinkled with character building posters and a mystifying hand gesture.  This was the Teacher Creed poster that every classroom at my school had posted on the wall:

Yikes.

The consultant came to my classroom one day after school. I was alone, and a little uncomfortable when he kicked out the doorstop and let the door close behind him.

"You know," he said, "you're infringing on the rights of students when you don't use my system."

He was referring to the way my colleague and I made our expectations known to the class. Our system was flexible and predicated on the idea that different situations call for different measures and a child always has a right to know why you want them to change their behavior.

"When you change consequences for each situation, you're getting into legal hot water," he said. "You WILL be sued someday."

Maybe he's right.  But I haven't been sued yet.  I can count my annual referrals on one hand. And that poster is gone from my wall.

Tips for Creating a Respectful Classroom

1. Make lessons worthwhile. The best defense is a good offense, and 90% of your problems will go away if students are engaged and productive. Give clear expectations of what should be done when work is completed early. 
2. Maintain a sense of urgency. Many teachers tell students, "I won't let you waste the class's time!"  So practice what you preach, and don't waste their time yourself. Put handouts where you'll need them. Make sure technology is working. Give students jobs like collecting and passing out so those things get done around you. Similar to the first tip, make students feel like there is no time to waste!
3. Don't call kids out in front of others.  Perhaps it's a simple human failing to want to shame people that bug us. Perhaps we think shame will work for that kid who always wants other kids' attention. It doesn't work. Have a quiet conversation to the side. Always. 
• "How do I have a quiet conversation on the side when I'm lecturing?" Good question. Stop lecturing so much. Re-frame your lessons so it's less of you talking and more of you moving around. Everything will get better.
4. Ask, don't tell. Telling=power struggles. Asking=no power struggle. Simple as that. If you say, "Do your work without talking!" the kid will say (say it with me) "But I wasn't talking!" Then you are in the stupidest of all teacher conversations, the "I know you were and I will waste time making you admit it" conversation. Avoid this like the plague. "Hey, do you know what we're supposed to be doing?" is my go-to and it is UNSTOPPABLE. Think about it. The student can say, "Yes." Then you can say, "Oh, great, is there anything you or I can do to help you get started?" Or the student can say, "No," and you can say, "Oh, can you show me where you got stuck?"  Both ways are graceful and avoid struggles.
• The best way I've found to approach a middle schooler causing a lot of trouble is to ask them how they are doing. "Hey, how was your morning?" is both a little disarming and gives you valuable information. Often a kid will tell you exactly why they are acting up: "Grrr I didn't have breakfast and my mom's all mad because I lost my jacket and she yelled at me." Now you can offer a little support: "Oh, that's too bad. After class you should check the lost and found. What can you or I do to help you get started?" You see where this is going. 
5. Recognize when you have a juvenile relationship with a juvenile (don't take students' shenanigans personally). If you find yourself continually going head-to-head with a particular student, take some time outside of class, preferably when you're relaxed, to examine that. What buttons are being pushed by the student? More importantly, where are YOU pushing buttons? I realized that a certain student I had was always late and never brought materials, and this kid's first interaction with me, every day, was my disappointment and frustration over his tardiness. I stopped meeting him at the door when he was tardy, just had him sign in on a slip of paper and go to his seat. I was still frustrated, but avoided going near him until he was working. Then I could walk by and say, "Hey, thanks for getting started."  Our relationship improved.  If you're stuck in a juvenile relationship with a kid, talk yourself out of it.  Use a yoga trick, perhaps known better to westerners as "fake it to make it."  Ask yourself, "How would I treat this person if I were GLAD to see them every day?  Then do that. It works, really.
6. "We-statements," not "I statements" or "You-statements." The book Nonviolent Communication suggests "I-statements" instead of "You-statements." The popular idea says that instead of making assumptions like, "You never get any work done," good communicators put it in personal terms: "I worry when you don't finish your work because I want you to be successful."  Well, great, but middle schoolers only care about you up to a point, and you risk a teenage, "So?" Instead, use who really matters: their peers and community, and be honest. Then it's clear that you have the expectation for everyone. "We don't treat each other like that here." "Oh, everyone has to help put this stuff away. Don't worry about it."
7. In that vein, reminders should be reminders. I've seen so many teachers (Mr. Consultant was one) who have turned the "reminder" into a consequence.  If it's on the consequence chain, it's not a reminder.  "Fiona, this is your reminder!" is kind of silly. ACTUALLY REMIND THEM. Never assume a kid knows that what they're doing is wrong and you won't actually infringe on rights. "Hey, Fiona, we don't take other people's stuff," lets her know you saw her snatch that pencil. You avoid a moralizing lecture and she knows your eye is on her (and her partner's pencil box). 
8. Provide a "graceful out." If you want a respectful classroom, you need to treat kids like you expect them to be good people. My biggest problem with the Teacher Creed above isn't actually the "I will not allow you to stop me from teaching for any reason," although that inspires strange hypothetical situations involving fire and mayhem, but rather the stern, context-less "No manipulations." That part is so insulting because it just ASSUMES that kids will try to manipulate you. I mean, they will, but don't put that assumption ON THE WALL. Everyone hates to feel like a failure, and no one likes to be in trouble. Kids given what I call a "graceful out" will usually take it. I've watched a colleague use this technique for many years, and I still marvel at how quickly and sweetly he can get a kid to turn behavior around by saying, "Oh, hey, it's really not like you to break rules. You probably didn't know that we don't eat snacks in class because we've had a mouse problem before. You'll know next time! Please put it away." He says these things completely free of sarcasm and 99% of kids will gratefully get on board.
9. Smile. In the morning, when you see them. In the afternoon, when they leave. When they tell you something interesting. When they need support. Tell them you care. Show them you care.
10. Be yourself, and let them be themselves. Share, partake, commiserate. "I see you're really into the Oregon Ducks!" "Hey, can I borrow that book when you finish?" "I've felt that way, too..." go a long way with kids who are trying to figure themselves out. You don't have to (nor should you) share sensitive personal information, but kids need to know that we have good days and bad days, likes and dislikes, and personal lives. Model for them what it looks like to be a good person and they will respect you for it and give it back.